YA GITTT?!
about:
This is proper..
Monday, March 27, 2006
I've been thinking alot lately.
About everything revolving and evolving around me.
And it bothers me actually. The questions of life. LIFE. everything you can think of about life.
Death, ups and downs of it. The reasoning behind it. The motive of everything and why people assume. And why it's always her not him or him not her or they not them and vice versa.
I know God plan everybody's move and fate of life. Why we die here and not there, why this time and not next time, why is it him/her/them/they and not others, and of course, why me in this and not her/him/them/they. Funny how a 3 letter word gets you stress up. Just 3 letters. Not dat much. And a simple 3 words like 'I Love You' makes you feel better...or does it?
Its all back to 'WHY'. Not what not how not when or anything else you can think of. The funny thing is we just don't have all the answers coz we all know only God Almighty knows why everything is as it is. And why am I thinking about all this. That's because well..Because lately i have been thinking alot (like whut i said earlier). And still it all comes back to 'WHY'. Right?
I find myself turning and tossing in bed everynight lately. From these thoughts to that to everything and suddenly I dun even know WHY I started thinking about certain things. The next morning will be the same. And just now, the whole time I was bathing, I'm thinking..again. As in alot of it. WHY WHY WHY? Why Elite Elevation? Why Her? Why not others? Why rap? Why not that? Why I'm 18 and still treated like a Primary 3 kid? And finally WHY my life is like this? among other WHYs that is..
Is life what we chose? or did Life chose us? Piously, its God who plans our life or the outcomes of it.. But God gave us every opportunity to do whatever we want WITH consequences, good or bad, that is. But what if...Although it has happened alot to me..What if, other people chose how you live? I'm talking about they who raise us..Mom n Dad/Ibu dan Bapa...What if you have to live their own way even though you're turning 18..Are you going to rebel against them? But the phrase 'Syurga di telapak kaki Ibu' keeps ringing in my ears. Translation 'Heaven's found under the heels of a mother'. I am a person who thinks and sees things in every possible angle. Maybe not as a whole but its what my human eyes/heart sees/feels. So back to the subject. Rebel and you have some records in God's books. Dun rebel and your life is not your life. Its THEIR lives we're living. Funny how I look at this line..'I'm living their lives..' I should be living my own live. If you ask me if is it just recently my parents are like this, especially my mom, the answer is NO. You may ask my primary school friends, my secondary school friends. Even my polytechnic friends and everyone else around who're quite close to me. They even ask me that same
3 letter word questions back to me.. WHY??? Truth is I cant even answer that myself. But as my parents say..We're are just concern. How concern can you be concern? What I'm saying is your child here, Fiky Prayudi, needs space and freedom. But I am not pathetically looking for sympathy. I just want understanding. Understanding. I know my limits. I know my flaws although not all. People say "Ca$h.............thinks you're WACK' Well you cant just say it as it is. That's a general term. Be specific. Because NOT EVERYONE thinks i'm wack. I am NOT bragging. I'm just saying what people say about me. Direct excerpts. Like testimonials. I tried asking everyone who're close to me about whether I'm wack or what are my flaws..I get honest answers..I hope. Although some of them cant really anwer it. But lets face it.
Tell me who's perfect. Although I see perfection in
her, truth is reality is NEVER perfect. But I still appreciate the One(s) i care about. Dun let imperfection bring anything down. When it's time to do your best, be a liar and show your perfection. That's the truth. I've been holding down the
4 letter words and anything that comes with it as you see. I just want to make it pleasant to read even though it is very long.
As you see in this entry, my mind has alot of ideas but it is tangled therefore I find myself talking about this thing and suddently about that. It is somehow connected though.
Back to my parents..the question is..Why do I do? NOT what..because why is everything from what to how. That's how i see it as.
Brings me to more questions.
Why am I not slang-ish in this entry?
Coz I got a reason?
Why am I doing this?
Coz i've been thinking?
Why Trep's life is like that?
Is it God's plan?
Why Hani's is like this?
Again..Is it God's plan?
Why is Fatal like this?
You should ask him?
Why Miz'C's doing this?
You should ask her?
Why I'm still on it?(if you know what i mean)
Coz of the perfection i see in that particular saint?
And why Republic Polytechnic?
Mom's choice?? or Mine??
Why rap?
Love? Fame? or money?
Why hiphop?
Love? Fame? or money?
Why mom is constantly nagging and wants me to do things her way?
Should I ask her???????
But then again..
Other questions come to the mind..
What if...
I won't succeed?
I'm not destined?
among others that is..
Also..
the When the What the Where the How....
How do i answer all that?
Believe me I think i'm going mad soon enough.
But of course I don't want that.
I still hold on to my dreams about whatever I'm into.
My loyalty to
her.
My loyalty to
them.
My loyalty to
Him.
My loyalty to
it.
My loyalty that people
always question about.
One thing everyone has to know.
NEVER ever ever ever ever question my loyalty.
When it is clearly coming out from my mouth, It is what it is.
Unless you say it for me, it's a whole different story altogether.
So now, I think its all emptied from my mind. Well almost.....
Till next time if i have to empty my cans.
[Ca$heEzy Baby]
'Never assume or you gon make an ASS of U and ME..'
FeeKee D'
